You mean a lot to me.
I want to understand you.
You were created on purpose.
You were created for a purpose.
I believe in you and your future.
You're smart in many ways.
You're quite a thinker.
You're responsible.
I'm proud of you.
I'll listen to you.
You're talented.
You're a miracle.
You're precious.
You're valuable.
You're unique.
I respect you.
I enjoy you.
I trust you.
You Are Special.
At the time it wasn't such a big deal for me but now that I re-read it, I see that God really does find me to be someone special and I feel glad and happy that He thinks of me like that! In my own eyes I think of myself as a horrible person who doesn't deserve anything good but through God's eyes I find myself to be, everything that He thinks I am. He made me into who I am and He doesn't make mistakes. I find my self-confidence and my self-love in Him. I'll get through this. With His help I can do anything. Jamie from TWLOHA has been a great inspiration for me these past few days as I re-read the emails and myspace blogs that he posts. He's a very cool guy and admits that he himself has had problems with depression in the past years and that he is talking to someone. I am surrounded with depressive situations and it's hard on me. I'm not up to the point of being suicidal, but the pain of feeling alone and worthless is great. I feel like dark forces surround me, haunting me with degrading thoughts about myself. At night I am in constant battle. But I always look to Jesus and look to the cross. In times like those I pray to Him and I know that He sits at the corner of my bed and that He sends his archangels to guard me. Ok. I gotta make a pause. When I came here to do my regular posting I never thought that I would end up saying this much so I might as well continue. It feels good to let these things out. I know that there aren't millions of people reading this blog, just a few that I can trust with my secrets which aren't really secrets. So, anyways, as I was saying....God is there to guard me constantly and I completely trust Him.
At the beginning of this year, on New Year's God told me that this would be a very hard year for me and that I would go through a lot of troubles but it would only be used to strengthen me. I kind of forgot of what He said and haven't remembered until now. It was a horrible New Year's and this year hasn't been the best. But a few months later He promised me this:
So you'll go out in joy, you'll be led into a whole and complete life. The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause.
Isaiah 55:12 [The Message]
I always keep this verse in my head, especially the part about me going out in joy. Of course it might not mean happiness but joy is fine too. I truly believe things are going to get better. The road to recovery, from whatever kind of problems that we face, is not an easy one. I can garantuee that it is not an easy one. It's hard and there are a lot of tears, rage, bitterness, guilt, and other feelings that I could go on and on with. But I always have faith and have hope and believe that God will help me through this.
How else am I going to heal from the wounds that were punctured in my heart with a knife when we had to leave my dad's home when I was 6? How can I recover from the times that I didnt not have a dad to wish "Happy Father's Day" to? It hits hard and it hurts but I will come out of this with strength and perseverance.
When there are times when I get afraid that the thoughts in my head will turn suicidal or that I'll lose what I most value in life, or when I get scared of the problems that lie ahead and ponder wether I really will make it through, I think of this verse that follows:
Your fears are for nothing. I'm on your side.
Jeremiah 42:11b
I also think of my favorite Bible character Jeremiah. If you really look into the book of Jeremiah (my favorite book) and look into Jeremiah's personality you see that he was a little bit like me. Insecure, no ability to lead, depressed man, shunned, hated, afraid and yet he did what God told Him to do and God used Him in so many ways! This man is a great inspiration to me because he was afraid like I am and he was down and under like I am, gosh, he even wrote and entire set of poems of lamentations (Lamentations of Jeremiah)! But he persevered and is great example today!
So these were a few of the verses and promises that God is using in my life and that He can use in yours too! Don't despair! He will send His angels to guard you and to keep you, actually He himself will come down and sit next to you and give you a big hug! Maybe a pat on the back for a great job that you did and He will shower you with His love and with His words of wisdom. He is my best friend and I grow closer to Him everyday. Maybe that's why I'm going through this, to get closer to Him. Then I thank Him, not for my problems or the things that I'm going through but for the outcome of it. For my reaction, that I was able to turn to Him instead of against Him.
I'd like to share with you some of the stuff that Jamie (TWLOHA) wrote (I "bolded" some of the stuff that I can relate to or feel is important for this issue):
I want to thank you for the encouraging response to the previous blog. It was certainly the most vulnerable writing I've done since TWLOHA began, and I really wasn't sure how people would respond. Thank you for allowing me to be honest, and thank you always for your encouragement.
On so many levels, the Anberlin tour was an absolute success. Seven weeks of sold-out shows all over the country. We met so many people, had so many great conversations. It was more than a privilege to speak before Anberlin's set each night, to talk about pain and hope in such a unique setting, and to introduce my talented friends.
But I also want to be honest in saying that for me personally, the last month has been a painful one, maybe the hardest of my life. My Easter morning felt more like dying than redemption. I came home to something like a death. And letting go has never come easy for me.
My dad said to me today at lunch, that for some people, letting go comes easy. But, he said, we are the holders on. It is true. Hope has always come easy for me.
And dreaming. Mine is the hopeful heart. Letting go is the difficult thing. Change. These days I'm in, this is something like a surgery.
I spent last week in Puerto Rico on vacation. I have been a surfer since I could stand but I lost that somewhere in the busyness of recent years. My heart grew busy, and busyness is so dangerous in the way it quietly steals. We end up cutting the most important corners. We take for granted the ones we're supposed to love the most. I went to Puerto Rico to begin again. I surfed more last week than I surfed all of last year. And I wrote 12,000 words, which is more than I've written in the last year as well. It is important to remember who we are. It is important to come back to what is true. And it is important to talk to people.
Yesterday was a significant day for me. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I sat across from a counselor and I talked about my life. There is a certain irony in the fact that I have spent much of the last year saying "It's important to talk about these things. It's important to get help" - I have said that on stages and in interviews - and yet, yesterday was the first time I've ever done that in my own life.
I talked and I listened and I cried, and all of it felt important. And I will be back next week, and the following week... I want to understand. I want to fight for change. I want to learn to let go. I want to be who I was created to be.
I say all of this to say that if there are broken things in your life, you are not alone. And I want to encourage you, now from my own experience, to talk to a counselor. To get the help you need. It is such a liberating thing to sit across from someone who understands, and to be honest.
You don't have to go it alone. That is the great lie, pain asking always for silence. The truth is that there are people all over the world that have devoted themselves to understanding problems of pain, and to meeting such needs. All across America, in the city you live, or somewhere closeby.
The difficult thing is to take those first steps, to be willing to find that door to knock on, and then to be willing to knock. Ask someone to go with you, to help you begin that journey. Or be such a person, one who walks with people in need.
That's all for now. Thank you, for reading this, for being a people interested in honesty. Thank you for caring.
Oh, one last thing, my sister Emily is watching the movie Brick as I type this. Brick is one of my favorite movies. In some ways, it is my favorite. The lead character's name is Brendan and he is not big or strong, but his heart is good, and Brendan refuses fear. The entire movie is Brendan running after love and justice – they do belong together - and even when there is nothing in it for him, you see Brendan so committed to these things, that it is as if he forgets to be afraid. It is something beautiful to see.
Peace to you.
jamie
PS: Pieces of two songs that I find comfort in:
(Dreamlife by Sleeping at Last)
Crooked mouth, quiet down
Let your fists come undone Miscarried love will be reborn
When we sleep,
The devil's arms are tied
The war that we're fighting Has already been won…
(Everything Starts Where it Ends by Lovedrug)
Wake up, you're alive
We're on your side
Wake up, you're alive
We're on your side
Wake up, you're alive
We're on your side
Wake up,
you're alive
That was from the email that was sent awhile back. Now for the lastest myspace post:
I've shared over the last couple weeks that this is a difficult season for me personally. That is still very much the case. I just want to share a little bit of what I am learning in this journey. First, I want to mention faith. I have not written much about faith over the last year. I wrestle with it (writing about it), as I believe that the language of the things I believe has, in many ways, been abused - the word "christian" means many different things to many different people. Something that I have considered over the last year is the idea of learning a new language, presenting hope and truth in a way that is inviting, in a way that does not feel like an alternative universe/club/industry with separate music, separate stores, separate festivals (This alternative universe does exist, and it is mostly strange to me...)
I have felt since the beginning that TWLOHA would attempt to walk a unique road. TWLOHA's goal has been, and is, to meet people where they are, without judgement, without religion. We are a project for broken people, led by broken people. We have aimed to create something safe, something hopeful, something comfortable. We have aimed to present hope, to encourage, to educate, and to see needs met - to see people step into the help they need, and to inspire others to walk alongside them.
All of that said, I have been reminded recently, in my own journey, that I cannot imagine my life - I cannot imagine walking through the pain of these moments - without my faith in God. Beyond faith, it is a relationship, with Jesus. There is a sense lately that He is with me, that I am not alone in these moments, that He is there in the mornings when the storms come through, and He is there in the night when I cannot sleep. He is there in the day when my eyes fill with tears.
A beautiful way that all of this comes to life is through community. It is not simply me alone with God, but I am finding love and support, hours of encouragement and conversation, in a community of people who see the world through this same lens that I do, this idea of a bigger picture, a redemption story being written since the dawn of time.
We were not meant to be alone. We were meant to live in community. We were meant to walk with people, to be known, to be challenged, to be held accountable, to be loved and encouraged. We see God's love expressed in all of this.
I have been deeply encouraged and impacted over the last week by a series of talks from Mars Hill (church) in Grand Rapids. My favorite teacher is a guy there named Rob Bell. (Rob's brother Jon has become a dear friend to me, but I can't really say that I know Rob, although Rob did give me a hug when I was there this weekend, and that made me smile.) Anyway... I want to encourage you to travel to the land of iTunes... Podcast.... Mars Hill Bible Church.... it's the one in Grand Rapids, MI (there is another good one in Seattle, but that's not the one I'm writing about at the moment)....the talks I'm writing about are the ones between March 4 and April 9, April 9 being Easter.
I was encouraged by the Easter talk about a week ago but the one I want to focus on right now is the talk from March 11. It's called "Leaving Control for Faith". I listened to this talk just before lunch, after a difficult morning. (In seasons such as this one, mornings have always been the hardest for me.) Anyway, I want to share with you the notes that I took from the talk... And remember, I don't deserve much credit - all I did was take notes. Credit goes to Rob (and God). (And remember, you should download this one!)
"Leaving Control for Faith" Talk by Rob Bell. 3/11/07 - Mars Hill
"Leaving Control for Faith" Talk by Rob Bell. 3/11/07 - Mars Hill
Life is not predictable. We do not have control. We try to put people in boxes. We try to fit people into our plans, the way we think things should look. We want guarantees.
God only gives us enough for today.
There is much we can't control. There are some things we can control.
A guy named Moses is asked by God to do a huge thing. Moses responds by basically saying "
"You've got the wrong guy. Please send someone else." Moses accepts the calling and spends the next 40 years leading God's people out of Egypt. He suffers greatly. His dream is to lead them to the Promised Land.
Inititially, we see Moses respond with complete indifference towards the people he's asked to lead. But by the end he is saying "I would give my life for these people."
Moses works for 40 years, gives his life to leading these people, and God takes him to the top of a mountain, where for the first time, he sees the Promised Land. Moses can literally see his dream. And it's here that God tells Moses, "This is as close as you're going to get. You're going to die now."
You can't control what breaks, but you can control the kind of person you're becoming. Hard hearts that transform into hearts that beat for the things that God's heart beats for.
We control our response.
We control our response.
It is easy to say, "Life could have been so much easier... Life could have been so much better." We look back and see a straighter path, but the truth is that we are shaped in the places where our path twists and turns. We are shaped in the long journey. There are no guarantees from God, except that He will go with us.
Who have you been trying to control? It is time to surrender that person.
Do you live with untold anxiety? Are you waiting for the 6-month plan?
All we get is today. God is with us on this journey. Always.
Let go.
Rob Bell closed with these words:"Jesus says 'Follow me' and He doesn't say much more.
May you be okay with the journey. May you identify, with the spirit of God leading you, what you can control and what you can't. May you surrender what you cannot control to the God of the universe.
May you be okay with the journey. May you identify, with the spirit of God leading you, what you can control and what you can't. May you surrender what you cannot control to the God of the universe.
May you ask yourself: 'What is it that I can control?' 'Who is the person that God is inviting me to become?"
End of Notes.
(back to jamie writing)
I am being asked to let go of a dream, the thing that I would trade everything for. It is an awful surgery, and I can't honestly say that I've even begun to let go. The truth is that all I can do is work on becoming the best man that I can be, the man that I was created to be. Counseling on mondays, deconstructing and reconstructing my life. Making room in my heart for things to grow and bloom and breathe, and then fighting to protect it. Choosing a life of community, where I am loving and loved, knowing and known. Fighting for change... If there is breath in my lungs, then I am asked to love God and love people. And all that I can know for sure is that I do not go alone, that God is with me, that He loves me, and that He is in control.
Peace to you.jamie
PS: Below are lyrics to a wonderful song called "Show the Way", by a guy named David Wilcox.
You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason we should dream
That the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an army or a knife
To wake you from your day dream, put the fear back in your life...
Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way
So now the stage is set.
Feel you own heart beatingIn your chest.
This life's not over yet.
so we get up on our feet and do our best.
We play against the fear.
We play against the reasons not to try.
We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes
For it's...Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness, love can show the way
Yet another inspirational post by Jamie. I love this guy. He's amazing. I was going to buy myself some TWLOHA t-shirts but my wallet was stolen along with my money so I'll have to wait for another time.
But anyways, my point is: We have to learn to let go of everything and start over with a new beginning and a fresh start. It's important to do this with some kind of faith in something. Wether you believe in God or not. But there is a way out and there is hope.
So awhile back I finished a book called Secrets about Guys [that shouldn't be sectret]" by Grace Dove. So I'll be posting a "secret" every once in awhile and the guys that read this can confirm it or whatever.....so here is Secret #1:
I guess this is more directed towards Christian guys...?
Guys Appreciate Modesty.
Sure, it's hard to believe that guys prefer modesty. Every day we're bombarded with messages that scream just the opposite.
If physical attraction is your sole bait for luring a guy, you'll only feel secure with him as long sa you look provocative.
Though guys are easily attracted by your appearance, they are majorly attracted by your personality.
A guy's first impression of a girl comes from the way she's dressed.
Eighty-six percent commented that girls wear tops that are too revealing!
(the comments....)
"God has blessed girls with beauty inside and out. It's not necessary for them to reveal their body-or portions of it-to entice."
"Put some clothes!"
"It's not all about what you wear that we like-it's your heart and personality."
"I wish girls knew what dressing immodestly is really a stumbling block for guys."
"Please dress modestly. Some girls wear extremely tight clothes and it actually turns guys off. We want girls to be women of God, not lust magnest.!"
"I wish women would try to attract men with their godly character, integrity and class, not just with their looks."
going back to what she was saying:
Sometimes, you are showing details you may not intend!
She writes a bunch of more stuff but I'm tired of typing already. Obviously not all guys are like she lists them but this book was intended for Christian girls and I assume that Christian girls would want to date Christian guys.
Anyways, that's all for today peeps. It was a big post but whatevah....I write a lot. :D
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